Day 3...

I have done PiYo for the past 3 days now. I'm a little sore, but I do feel great.

The main thing I worry about with PiYo is my hands, since it requires a lot of weight on my wrists and hands.  Oh, and swelling. My fingers don't feel as sausage-y tonight. But I can tell they are pretty swollen. Some days I can see tell it's in the back of my hands since I can't see my wrist bones as clearly. Other days, I can tell it's just in my knuckles/fingers because I can see my wrist bones more.

I'm looking into natural alternatives to easing the inflammation. I want to try to see if I can do it on my own. My hands have been hurting a little more today than in the past few weeks, so I thought, "okay, is this a 'flare up?'" I really can't tell if it is or not.

I'm also watching myself, because I have a cold at the moment. I want to make sure my energy stays up.

For Me, It's A Lot

When I do feel sad, I think of others who are going through so much more in their lives, and I know that what I am facing does not compare to what they are facing. I know that God puts us all through trials and tribulations, and this just happens to be a part of my journey.

I feel a lot of self-guilt. I really screwed up my body. If I hadn't stopped running due to being busy, then I know my body would be in better shape.

I did PiYo tonight. I like it, but I don't like the even more swelling that comes into my hands afterwards. See, in PiYo, my hands are used a lot. The swelling didn't go down after yesterday. There were times where being on my hands was too much for me, so I went into child's pose. I made my own smoothie afterwards- spinach, plum, banana, protein, ice, and milk (because I am out of almond milk). I was worried that it would be nasty. But it wasn't bad at all.

One thing I have noticed is that right now, when I wake up in the mornings, my body isn't slow. But I have truly experienced it when it was moving slow. My sister and I both think it's lupus. I kind of had a feeling by the rheumatologist appointment that it wasn't RA. Only because not all the symptoms were adding up. A lot more things are adding up towards lupus-including my ANA results. The ANA showed up in the lupus panel.

In the lupus panel. 

I was shocked and stunned when I read that, because I was led to believe that it didn't show up there or in the RA panel. I looked at the results. I looked at the percentages. And it's there. That's why I suspect the rheumatologist didn't look at those results. He was the one who also told me it wasn't lupus, it wasn't RA. So armed with what I know, I plan on asking tons of questions next time I am there.

A Partial Diagnosis

I met with an orthopedic surgeon on Friday. He confirmed that it was cubital tunnel, and not carpal tunnel. He said surgery is an option, but after consulting with him, I don't feel it's that bad yet. However, it could go bad if left untreated. By untreated, I mean, if I don't take care of myself. So I need to lose weight. He did say it could have been brought on by weight gain. I did gain back everything I lost last year, and I had wondered that for awhile now. So I now what I need to do, on that front.

The orthopedic surgeon also said that the numbness and tingly feelings I have had are from it. The swelling and hand pain? Not so much. So now I need to figure out what is causing that. And I will get to the bottom of this. I have to, for my health. He is prescribing a medication that will help the cubital tunnel as well as the inflammation I have. And boy, do I have lots o'inflammation in my hands and fingers today.

I woke up with more swelling than in the past few days, and hurting hands every so often. I'm in a sad mood today. I recognize the fact that I am depressed. I feel like giving up at times, like throwing in the towel and saying, "I can't do this." Other times, I am determined to do as much as I can to fight this- the cubital tunnel and whatever else is going on.

I'm not saying it's not okay to be down- because it is. I recognize that it isn't every day and it's just part of dealing with this, with my emotions. I'm strong, because I've faced other things in life and have overcome them. I can with this as well.

I did PiYo fundamental basics earlier, and I know that I will do alright with PiYo. I need to get back to at least 30 minutes of exercise per day. I also want to eventually train for running again. But I am going to take it all day by day with my body. I definitely need to do this the right way. While I don't eat fast food, or lots of sweets, or over-eating in general, I need to eat more of the right foods to better combat the inflammation, and eliminating the foods that tend to cause more inflammation or "flare ups." I need to educate myself about inflammation, treating it, etc.

My motto should be, "I can and I will."

More Questions...

I see the orthopedic sutrgeon this Friday. I still don't think it's carpal tunnel. So I decided to get a copy of my medical records from the hospital today, and see what the results said myself. While I am no doctor, I now have the information to share with doctors (even though they will have it, too). I now have the information to try to take matters into my own hands.

Armed with what I do know, the nerve test done says that I have cubital tunnel, not carpal tunnel. The ANA result came from the Lupus panel, not the RA panel. And while that doesn't mean anything, I feel it is propelling me towards finding answers.

I can't give up on me. I did go back and forth with the idea of just letting this go. But what if it gets worse? Or what if it is genetic, and it affects someone else in my family? Or when I have children? I can't just let it go, for my health, and maybe that of others. I still don't know exactly where I am going, but for the first time in almost a month, I feel good about going forward. I'm not at a stand still anymore. I felt utterly broken that day last month in the rheumatologist's office. I felt like it was me against the medical world, and no one was doing much to help me. I felt lost, confused.

So I see the rheumatologist next month. But I also know that if I don't feel he is being proactive towards my health, then I will see another rheumatologist. I'm already on the fence about this guy as it is.

Goal Setback

So that goal of working out at least 30 minutes each day has been dormant the past few days. I did an hour of PiYo on Saturday, and was sore until yesterday (still a little today) from it. It was good, though, and I really liked it! The swelling has been up in my hands, but I know it was a from a mixture of hot weather+using my hands a lot in PiYo+whatever is going on in my body. They were sore yesterday- but not hurting. Swelling was down a little yesterday in both hands, and then up again more in my left hand than in my right. But it's not hot out at all today. They were hurting some earlier today, but not now. 

I don't understand it, I truly don't. At the moment, I feel the warm sensations in my calves. I am just resting. I'm trying to determine when it happens. Do I stand a lot before it happens? Do I sit for a long time, than stand awhile, and then it happens? Is it just random? I don't like the warm sensations. I can only hope I can sleep in a bit, and not have it bother me. 

I really feel like I need something to help me sleep when that happens. 

I've had a few people ask me recently how I am. Every time someone asks about me, I feel close to crying. It's hard, mostly from the unknown. I have to embrace this, and not let it take over my mind and body. 

Rough Night

Last night was an incredibly rough night with whatever is going on in my body. I had an extreme amount of discomfort. I could not get comfortable no matter which way I laid. My arms and hands, plus my calves were incredibly warm. The best way I can describe it is if someone put a heating lamp to my body. 

And then I began panicking. What if it lead to other things? What if I didn't wake up tomorrow? What if it got worse? 

Because of all of this, I had a hard time sleeping. 

I really need answers so I can take care of this. What happened last night reaffirmed to me that I can't just let it go. I won't be myself until it's taken care of. 

I have felt the warm sensations today again, and at the moment, my big toe on my left foot is numb. It's annoying and I hate that feeling. I generally can't get it off my mind when my toes feel funny. 

Day 2, So Far...

I just ran a 1.75 mile, with walking .50 of a mile! So proud of myself. I am already thinking of how I will do this in the mornings before school. But I'll get it figured out. 

As far as symptoms go...I have had twinges of pain in my hands, but not as bad as it has been. Little numbness in my pinky fingers again, more in the right than the left. I also have swelling- no surprise there. It's not as bad as I have had it before. But manageable. My upper arms are pretty swollen again. I often joke that I am like the Stay-Puft marshmallow in GhostBusters, but only good. :) The balls of my feet are sore, but there is rarely a day when they aren't sore. My left toes were numb last week for a little bit. I do wonder if it is related to what is going on in my upper body. 

Part of me feels that I just need to let this go. For the most part, I don't feel my life is in danger. But then, I have those days where I do panic and ask myself the "what-if" questions.  By letting it go, I mean, no more doctors. No more tests. I'm at a loss as to what this is, and what it is doing. But then I think, "what if there is something really wrong and left untreated, it will cause more damage?" 

And I need to stop googling things again...nothing is adding up, though! 

I have an appointment later this month with an orthopedic surgeon, because my nerve test done came back testing for carpal tunnel. The only time I get tingling sensations are typically at night, right before I fall asleep- if I lay with either hand on that coordinating thigh. It comes gradually, and then it goes away just as gradually. It normally doesn't last long. People with carpal tunnel say they feel like their hands are swelling, when in fact, their hands are not swollen at all. Mine are. So again, it's puzzling. 

No Excuses

I have let whatever is going on in my body, affect me- mind and body. Since February, I have worked out sporadically. But I've spent more time afraid, trying to let go of my security blanket (metaphorically), and trying to find out what was wrong than I did working out. 

But I am done with that. I can't let this affect me anymore.It's already taken it's toll on my mind and body since February. I can't go on living life afraid anymore. There was once a time I was fearless in more things than I am now. I'll always be afraid of elevators, but I am tired of being afraid of leaving my home. 

I miss running. I miss challenging myself to do better than yesterday. So my goal is to work out at least 30 minutes every day. If I do more than that, then great! But at least 30 minutes. 

I made it almost an hour today. I did Pilates, then ran for a mile before my left foot felt funny, and my body was getting tired. So I walked the last half mile. I always write on my other blog about doing this for me, but it's true. However, I can't just write it. I have to do it, to live it. Become it. And who knows? Maybe it will actually help everything in my body. 

A Journey Back

I am in need of motivation. Hardcore. I already have a blog based on the things in my life, but what I truly needed is a blog about what is going on with my health. I think background is in order for you (the reader) to understand why I am where I am today.

I began somewhat of a runner's lifestyle last year. I ran my first 2 5k's within 7 months of each other. I improved on my time, and that is what mattered to me. That, and I discovered that I just liked to run. The last 5k was on Thanksgiving. By January, I wasn't running anymore.

And then came February. It was a cold, nasty winter. Many days of no school, not getting out of the house. Crazy winter. I ended up in the ER on February 20th, but I truly feel now that whatever happened, had started the week before.

I have always been hypersensitive. Places on my body would just be more sensitive to the touch at times- like my arms, my sides, my legs. On February 12th, I began experiencing that hypersensitivity in my right foot. By that evening, it traveled up my leg, and was quite painful. It lessened a little the next day, but by Valentine's Day it was located just behind my right knee, and felt warm. I got scared, considering my sister has blood clots. After going to the doctor, and having an ultrasound done, they ruled out blood clots.

Things were good until that following Thursday, February 20th. It's the day that I feel my body changed. It started out like any other normal Thursday. Then I began to get an aura in my left eye, and knew from having that happen in January, that a headache was imminent. Unfortunately, I was at school, administering a test to my students that day. I tried to ride it out. Sometime between 8:30 and 9 am, my left hand went tingly and numb. I will forever remember it was in the pocket of my pants when it happened. I tried to shake it off, but it was still there. The aura was still there, beginning to block out things in my vision. Then came the slurred speech. I sounded awful, and remember thinking that exact thought. My tongue was heavy and felt thick. I knew something was wrong, but I stupidly thought I could push through it, that it wasn't that big of a deal. I had trouble comprehending things right after that.

That disappeared, and I was left with a headache and nausea. I ended up leaving school, calling my doctor's office, and they suggested I go to the ER. In my confused state, I wasn't aware that that was their way of urging me to go there. So I went home and laid down. Chris was the one who made me question everything that happened, and that maybe I should go to the ER instead. So I went to the ER, and they began all types of tests. I was aware they thought I had a stroke, or even a mini-stroke. I really didn't know what to think.

After an MRI that showed nothing (so thankful for that), they sent me to a neurologist, because they believed it was migraine-induced. Even she thought I had a mini-stroke because of how one side of my face drooped. She began treating me that day, and I was to come back and see her the next week. I ended up back in the ER Friday evening, because my entire arm to my elbow went numb. I remember thinking, "Okay, this is it. By the time we get to the ER, I might be in worse condition." I did think then that I did have a stroke. They ruled stroke out again, and that ER doctor explained that if it was migraine induced, it would be on 1 side of my body. He gave me some medication to take away the burning sensation I was still experiencing, with instructions to call the neurologist on Monday.

I went back to the neurologist on Thursday, and she said my face looked better. But I was still experiencing the numbness in my left hand and toes. She ordered another MRI, an EKG, and told me she wanted to see me back in 2 weeks. On Friday, my right leg began to feel warm, behind my calf, like before. I kept an eye on the time. In 3 hours, it spread from behind my knee to my calf and toes. It was not only weird/odd, but also scary. That next morning, my right toes and heel went numb. Within a week, my right hand went numb and tingly.

I should note that I began to notice swelling in my hands at the 2nd neurology appointment in February.

I went back to the neurologist in March, after having the MRI and EKG. Both came back normal, but it didn't explain what I was going through. I was a little discouraged, and shocked she didn't want to see me back until the end of May. Stunned is more like it. So I kept going on. By the end of April, my hands and fingers were pretty swollen. I began to experience pain in my hands, specifically around my knuckles. I also had the warm sensations again in my legs. I got really scared and called my general practice doctor, and they told me to call the neurologist. I managed to get in earlier to see my neurologist in early May. She finally understood that everything I am going through is not migraine-induced, because that would mean it's only on 1 side of my body, and it definitely wasn't. She ordered blood tests done, to determine if it was lupus. Rheumatoid Arthritis, and to see if there was ANA in my body. ANA is antinuclear antibodies, which is basically inflammation. She also ordered a nerve test done for early June.

So I went about my life, trying to do what I could. Most days (and still now), I wake up and move incredibly slow for about 1-3 hours. I feel incredibly slow when I move, and my body is very tired.

Fast forward to June. I had the nerve test done, and I definitely did not like that at all. I truly hope I never have that test again. She had just got done telling me that the nerve test looked good, and that she would see me back in 2 months when I asked about my blood test results. She flipped through the first page, she flipped through the second page, saying that everything looked good. No lupus, no RA, even the ANA test came back good. At that moment, I was already thinking of who I needed to see for a second opinion because I knew it was something. Then she says, "This 2nd ANA test is high, in the 330's. Really high is in the 600's. You need to see a Rheumatologist." I felt relieved. Not that I wanted it to be anything, but I have felt that it was something for awhile now. I finally felt like I was getting a little more answers, and getting on the road to taking care of this-whatever it is.

So my appointment was just over a week ago today. Prior to that appointment, I would have about 1-2 sleepness nights a week, due to discomfort when trying to sleep. Not pain, I just couldn't fall asleep at times from it. My mind was all over the place. I had to stop reading things, because it was scaring me.

The first words out of the Rheumatologist's mouth were, "Why are you here? I don't treat migraines." It upset me, because it kind of set the tone for the appointment. I passed the physical exam he gave me, which is good. The one things that hurt on my body at that moment were the two places on my hip that he was testing with touch. It hurt so much I cried. It was also frustrating, too, because it doesn't explain what is going on. He told me that having a high ANA doesn't mean much without having other evidence to back it up, like nerve entrapment. I don't know if I have that, but am now wondering if the nerve test that was done was good at all. The Rheumatologist told me that while I was having a good day that day, he wants to continue to see where this goes.

I don't know where I am going from here. I'm confused, frustrated, feeling like I hit a brick wall. Sometimes I feel like it's in my head, but then I remember that it truly isn't. I feel depressed a lot more, and find myself crying at least once a week. I feel confused, lost, even unsure where to go. I panic hardcore whenever I am a few miles from home. I hold it in and very few people actually have seen it. I truly am scared that whatever happened that day in February will happen again. Even when I start to get a twinge of a headache or burning sensation, I start panicking. I don't like that.

Typically, my hands are very swollen when I wake up and stay that way throughout the day. It's rare that they aren't swollen when I wake up. But when they aren't swollen, I rejoice. I feel like jumping for joy. Sometimes it's short-lived (like yesterday). Sometimes it can last a few hours before the swelling creeps back in. Today, they are pretty swollen. I woke up more tired, and it has taken me 3 hours to not feel as tired. My body was slow when walking around. My hands are a little sore, but I feel my reflexes are also slow.

After last week's road block, I decided to give myself the time I was on vacation to not think much about what is going on, and where I need to go in regard to my health. I'm still uncertain where I am headed. I'm tired of having tests done, and gaining a little progress only to come to another road block. A friend of mine said that God is definitely showing himself to me, and I agree. I just wish I had all the answers. I have a book to read on inflammatory on the body, what foods are good to eat, what to stay away from, etc.

In the midst of everything, I am trying to get back to being healthy, trying to get back into running. I need to take care of myself- I am the only one who can do it. It's in my hands now to be extremely proactive about it. Another of my friends, and my mom have told me to document everything. And I will, beginning now. I am the only one who knows me best. I am the only one who can do this for me. Some days are going to be tough, I don't doubt that. But if I have just 1 rough day a week, compared to several in a row, I consider that an achievement.

Whatever this is, I will combat it.