New Year, New Adventure!

As always, it has been awhile since I have typed in this blog. Still have my same symptoms as before. In August, at my last appointment, I gave up searching for answers. My rheumatologist was adamant it was Fibro, so I just stopped wanting answers. 

I actually stopped thinking about it all as much. Let go of the fear. Let go of the worry. Let go of the unknown. I had other things on my mind, such as...

Shortly after we got married, we began to try for our own family. It was a crazy few months. I had extracurricular activites, the hubs had poison ivy one month, just busy all around for awhile.

I knew right away in December that I was pregnant. I didn't feel like myself. But not wanting to jinx it, I didn't tell anyone other than the hubs. Soon, I knew I had to talk to someone, so I did tell my sister. She was a huge help!  And of course, my other 2 best friends are also pregnant right now, so I had to tell them. 

And then I called my rheum's office. This was literally right before 2016. They told me to start weening myself off the Cymbalta. I was told to take 1 dose every other day for the next 4 days, and then stop. I was worried, because I had already read up on the withdrawal effects, and know it could be horrendous. Luckily, I began weening myself a few days earlier, so when I finally did stop the meds, I had no withdrawal effects.

And you know what happened? I felt alive for the first time in 14 months. I felt that I could actually think with a more clear head, that I am remembering conversations again (which sucks when you are a person who remembers A LOT and can't because of medication). I can't say anymore, "I don't remember this conversation, I'm sorry." 

I saw my rheum last week. Numbers are climbing, and he said they would throughout the pregnancy. As long as they are manageable, I am fine. Otherwise, I need to be seen. Unless something happens, I won't be seen until after the baby is born. 

We had our first OB appointment today! It was awesome seeing the little peanut on the hand held monitor. We talked about my inflammation, what to take for sinus headaches, what not to eat, how to stay active, etc. The best part was just seeing the tiny baby on the hand held monitor. So surreal. I do pray the rest of my pregnancy goes well! 

Summer Ends Soon...

It has been an entirely crazy summer around here. We got married at the end of May, had about 2 weeks to relax before we were hit with an intense amount of rain. Unfortunately everything flooded around here. We were pumping water out of our basement for over a week. Then, I went to ISTE with some awesome friends, a huge tech conference for teachers at the end of June. I had two weeks home before I turned around and went to Nashville with my sister, for a BeachBody Coach Summit conference. That was two weeks ago, then our local fair was last week, and this week consisted of training for school.

It all seems so long ago, and yet it doesn't at the same time.

In the midst of all of that...we are TTC. For those of you that do not know what that is, it means trying to conceive. I have felt symptoms and then I think, "is that a part of pregnancy-related symptoms?" Unfortunately, it's just my body and mind playing tricks on me. I'm so eager and very impatient for it to happen that I overthink things. Just like always. It's hard for me not to be impatient, because I know we've been waiting for this moment for a while. So I just need to not think of things in terms of symptoms/feelings/knowing I can test in so many days, etc.

The last test I took was negative. I was bummed, and I had my moment of tears. Then I mentally went through a list of all that is positive in my life, and I felt better. Since it was at 1:30 in the morning, I went to sleep. I woke up refreshed and happy.

I see the Rheum again Monday. It's my 6 month check up. I wrote down a list of the symptoms still going on, plus all the new ones. I've got more aches in my fingers. I limp a lot right now when I have a flare up, when I first get out of bed for about 2 hours, and then when I'm inactive for periods of time and begin walking again.

I'm still super tired. Did I ever mention they did a thyroid test and it came back normal? So that was ruled out. I'm going to ask to be taken off the Cymbalta, as it is not helping my symptoms.

I'll do a post after the appointment Monday.

A year later...

Just over a year ago, I got my test results back, showing that my ANA was high in the Lupus panel. Thus began my journey with Rheumatologists, blood tests, medicine, diagnosis, tears, anger, guilt, confusion, being scared, and research.

I'm in a better place than I was a year ago. The Cymbalta has helped to calm my fears and ease my worry. It helps me to not think about everything every second like I was at this time last year.

It does not help, however, the pain in my toes and in between my fingers. It doesn't help the swelling or stiffness.

There have been times where the swelling, stiffness, and pain has been, well, more painful than before. I think I've more accepted whatever is going on in my body. However, I still don't know how I will react if I do get news that I have something other than Fibro.

I got married almost a month ago. When it gets hot out, my fingers swell even more. Because of this, I don't wear my wedding/engagement rings a lot for fear of them getting stuck on my finger.

Things are good, though. I'll just keep monitoring and researching as much as I can.

Who Knew?

So, everyone knows that I am getting married soon. As in 7-ish weeks. 

I have to preface this post by saying that pre-Cymbalta, I let every little thing bother me. 

I am a worrier by nature. My mind would not stop thinking about things. When I worried in the past, I would bite my lip. I don't know what it was, but it was always something I did when I was worrying or nervous. 

So, when started the Cymbalta, I didn't have that worry, anxiety, or nervousness in my head or stomach. There have been times over the past few months that I know when I get stressed. I can feel it, slightly. But not bad. 

Whenever anyone has asked me how wedding plans are coming, my response has always been, "Eh." Because now that I am on this medication, nothing tends to worry me like it did. 

However, it's led me to also forget things. I have always been one to have a great memory, and now I struggle sometimes to find the word. I have had to be more diligent in my to-do lists, otherwise it is completely forgotten. OR, my words are getting tripped up in my head. I find myself stumbling over words more. My mind is combining the first two words in a sentence spoke out loud, and I don't know why. It bothers me, because I know what I wanted to say, and how it came out. I think I do it at least once a day. 

But anyways, my point is: when I go off the Cymbalta eventually, I am going to miss not having to worry and stress over everything. I don't miss it at all right now. I wish the Cymbalta took away the hand pain, but it hasn't. So I'm dealing with it as best as I can. 

Hitting the Proverbial Wall Again

I'm just going to come right out and type it.

I can't stand how I look, how my face looks, how my arms feel tight most days.

There, it's out.

I was trying on a dress today, and a light bulb went off when I realized that maybe the reason my face looks puffy is from the inflammation.

My sister agrees with me. It just looks so puffy. I hate it. I hate how puffy I look. I hate that my arms feel so tight at times that I can't wear certain shirts.

I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep allowing myself to hit these brick walls. It's frustrating. It's disheartening. It's saddening.

It makes me cry, to look at myself and not see the same person anymore.

I started to be more proactive about being active a few months ago. But I let the side slip, the one about ensuring I ate all the right foods that my body needs to combat all this crap going on in my body.

So I'm back to researching the things that I need to eat more of to fight off the inflammation.

Side note: I rarely eat things I shouldn't.

Still So Many Unanswered Questions

It's been just over a year and a month since the health issues started. While I have answers, I still feel that there is a lot of unanswered questions. I'm still being treated as having Fibromyalgia. But my numbers are starting to climb slightly (of tests that have been run). That alarmed me enough to call the Rheum's office. They told me that my numbers are still considered good, and to not worry until they are in the '40's and 50's.

To back up, I've seen the Rheum between 5 and 7 times. I can't remember right now the exact number. I've had an ESR test 3-4 times now. The ESR test is a blood test that tests for inflammation in the body. The first 2-3 times it was at a 10. The last time it was tested, it was at a 17. I found it alarming because it was a solid 10 the previous times.

In my heart, I truly do not believe it is just Fibromyalgia. No one ever wants a diagnosis, and it's not that I am searching for one. But the Fibro symptoms aren't matching up in my body, after talking with someone who has Fibro. The pain isn't matching up, I mean. The majority of my pain is in my hands. For Fibro patients, it's a chronic, wide-spread pain all over. Some things I have in common with those who have Fibro: sensitivity to cold or hot temperatures, sensitivity to light and sounds, allodynia (which means I can have very sensitive skin at times, to where it is incredibly painful to the touch), and fatigue.

I tend to get tired very easily. Sometimes I can have so much energy and feel like I can accomplish anything. Other times, I can't get how tired I am out of my head. I can't focus on other things. I can close my eyes and boom, I'm asleep for 2 hours. I feel that some people don't understand what I go through. I have felt that people make fun of me for how much my body can sleep at times. I try not to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or even sad. I can't help that, though. I have felt all those things.

I've been told that I shouldn't be on the medication that I am. I wish others could understand what those who are suffering go through. It's easy for any of us to share our concern with others, but until we truly know what they are going through, who are we to say anything?

I've spent some time pondering why I am going through all of this. I'm not upset or angry, but sad at times. I believe that I am going through all of this so that I can truly understand people better. It brought a whole new perspective to light for me. Not that I ever belittled, made fun of, said anything negative about anyone going through anything. But it made me understand them, their pain and suffering so much more.

My hands still get incredibly warm at times. I joke that if I were a superhero, my power would be flames shooting out of my hands. My hands are still very swollen/inflamed. I get sad when I see them. I can't remember what my hands looked like before the swelling and inflammation. I wish I had looked at them more. More of my knuckles and in between my fingers are hurting, which is another reason why I don't believe it's just Fibro anymore. That, and Fibro patients have no swelling. It FEELS like swelling, but there is no actual swelling in their bodies. In mine, there is. I am pretty sure there is swelling in other parts of my body, not just my hands. It would make sense.

The pain in my hands is becoming more and more, as each day passes. I don't see the Rheum again until August, but I'm beginning to think I may call them to let them know what is going on with my hands. I had a fever about two nights ago. All of a sudden, I felt very warm. I took my temperature to see what it is, and it read 99.4. As I looked in the bathroom mirror, I noticed that my cheeks looked incredibly red. Bright red. I've told myself that I need to start tracking my temp, so I can see what it is. I tend to feel warm a lot of the time.

I try to usually brush it all off. I try to let people see that it doesn't bother me on the outside, when on the inside I am scared and hurting. For the last few months, I've generally accepted that it's Fibro. And then I realized my symptoms didn't match up, so I began to question it every so often. I'm questioning it a lot more these days.

I need to remind myself not to borrow trouble. But instead, work on finding solutions to help myself.

Doing Good Thus Far...

I've been on the Cymbalta since early October. Aside from being sick about a month ago, I have taken it nearly every night. I may forget a night here or there, but I do take it pretty regularly. When I didn't take it due to being sick last month, I didn't take it for about 6 days. I was stupid, and didn't realize that I could have caused my body/brain more harm than good by not taking it for so long. I could have had seizures- or worse. I did feel that my brain was a little fuzzy the day before I started taking it again. Since then, I have taken it every night.

I feel good, in the areas of feelings. I don't have the anxiety, the worry, the fear. However, I truly can't feel any of that. It was a bothersome at first. Now, not so much. My hands have been hurting off and on for the better part of a week now. They are pretty tender around the knuckles.

I've lost almost 10 lbs since September. I'm getting back more and more to myself. I ran my first timed 5k in over a year last weekend, and didn't do too bad. I promptly got sick seconds after finishing. I'm crocheting a lot more now. All in all, I'm back to enjoying my life, and doing things that I love.