I'm just going to come right out and type it.
I can't stand how I look, how my face looks, how my arms feel tight most days.
There, it's out.
I was trying on a dress today, and a light bulb went off when I realized that maybe the reason my face looks puffy is from the inflammation.
My sister agrees with me. It just looks so puffy. I hate it. I hate how puffy I look. I hate that my arms feel so tight at times that I can't wear certain shirts.
I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep allowing myself to hit these brick walls. It's frustrating. It's disheartening. It's saddening.
It makes me cry, to look at myself and not see the same person anymore.
I started to be more proactive about being active a few months ago. But I let the side slip, the one about ensuring I ate all the right foods that my body needs to combat all this crap going on in my body.
So I'm back to researching the things that I need to eat more of to fight off the inflammation.
Side note: I rarely eat things I shouldn't.
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
Still So Many Unanswered Questions
It's been just over a year and a month since the health issues started. While I have answers, I still feel that there is a lot of unanswered questions. I'm still being treated as having Fibromyalgia. But my numbers are starting to climb slightly (of tests that have been run). That alarmed me enough to call the Rheum's office. They told me that my numbers are still considered good, and to not worry until they are in the '40's and 50's.
To back up, I've seen the Rheum between 5 and 7 times. I can't remember right now the exact number. I've had an ESR test 3-4 times now. The ESR test is a blood test that tests for inflammation in the body. The first 2-3 times it was at a 10. The last time it was tested, it was at a 17. I found it alarming because it was a solid 10 the previous times.
In my heart, I truly do not believe it is just Fibromyalgia. No one ever wants a diagnosis, and it's not that I am searching for one. But the Fibro symptoms aren't matching up in my body, after talking with someone who has Fibro. The pain isn't matching up, I mean. The majority of my pain is in my hands. For Fibro patients, it's a chronic, wide-spread pain all over. Some things I have in common with those who have Fibro: sensitivity to cold or hot temperatures, sensitivity to light and sounds, allodynia (which means I can have very sensitive skin at times, to where it is incredibly painful to the touch), and fatigue.
I tend to get tired very easily. Sometimes I can have so much energy and feel like I can accomplish anything. Other times, I can't get how tired I am out of my head. I can't focus on other things. I can close my eyes and boom, I'm asleep for 2 hours. I feel that some people don't understand what I go through. I have felt that people make fun of me for how much my body can sleep at times. I try not to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or even sad. I can't help that, though. I have felt all those things.
I've been told that I shouldn't be on the medication that I am. I wish others could understand what those who are suffering go through. It's easy for any of us to share our concern with others, but until we truly know what they are going through, who are we to say anything?
I've spent some time pondering why I am going through all of this. I'm not upset or angry, but sad at times. I believe that I am going through all of this so that I can truly understand people better. It brought a whole new perspective to light for me. Not that I ever belittled, made fun of, said anything negative about anyone going through anything. But it made me understand them, their pain and suffering so much more.
My hands still get incredibly warm at times. I joke that if I were a superhero, my power would be flames shooting out of my hands. My hands are still very swollen/inflamed. I get sad when I see them. I can't remember what my hands looked like before the swelling and inflammation. I wish I had looked at them more. More of my knuckles and in between my fingers are hurting, which is another reason why I don't believe it's just Fibro anymore. That, and Fibro patients have no swelling. It FEELS like swelling, but there is no actual swelling in their bodies. In mine, there is. I am pretty sure there is swelling in other parts of my body, not just my hands. It would make sense.
The pain in my hands is becoming more and more, as each day passes. I don't see the Rheum again until August, but I'm beginning to think I may call them to let them know what is going on with my hands. I had a fever about two nights ago. All of a sudden, I felt very warm. I took my temperature to see what it is, and it read 99.4. As I looked in the bathroom mirror, I noticed that my cheeks looked incredibly red. Bright red. I've told myself that I need to start tracking my temp, so I can see what it is. I tend to feel warm a lot of the time.
I try to usually brush it all off. I try to let people see that it doesn't bother me on the outside, when on the inside I am scared and hurting. For the last few months, I've generally accepted that it's Fibro. And then I realized my symptoms didn't match up, so I began to question it every so often. I'm questioning it a lot more these days.
I need to remind myself not to borrow trouble. But instead, work on finding solutions to help myself.
To back up, I've seen the Rheum between 5 and 7 times. I can't remember right now the exact number. I've had an ESR test 3-4 times now. The ESR test is a blood test that tests for inflammation in the body. The first 2-3 times it was at a 10. The last time it was tested, it was at a 17. I found it alarming because it was a solid 10 the previous times.
In my heart, I truly do not believe it is just Fibromyalgia. No one ever wants a diagnosis, and it's not that I am searching for one. But the Fibro symptoms aren't matching up in my body, after talking with someone who has Fibro. The pain isn't matching up, I mean. The majority of my pain is in my hands. For Fibro patients, it's a chronic, wide-spread pain all over. Some things I have in common with those who have Fibro: sensitivity to cold or hot temperatures, sensitivity to light and sounds, allodynia (which means I can have very sensitive skin at times, to where it is incredibly painful to the touch), and fatigue.
I tend to get tired very easily. Sometimes I can have so much energy and feel like I can accomplish anything. Other times, I can't get how tired I am out of my head. I can't focus on other things. I can close my eyes and boom, I'm asleep for 2 hours. I feel that some people don't understand what I go through. I have felt that people make fun of me for how much my body can sleep at times. I try not to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or even sad. I can't help that, though. I have felt all those things.
I've been told that I shouldn't be on the medication that I am. I wish others could understand what those who are suffering go through. It's easy for any of us to share our concern with others, but until we truly know what they are going through, who are we to say anything?
I've spent some time pondering why I am going through all of this. I'm not upset or angry, but sad at times. I believe that I am going through all of this so that I can truly understand people better. It brought a whole new perspective to light for me. Not that I ever belittled, made fun of, said anything negative about anyone going through anything. But it made me understand them, their pain and suffering so much more.
My hands still get incredibly warm at times. I joke that if I were a superhero, my power would be flames shooting out of my hands. My hands are still very swollen/inflamed. I get sad when I see them. I can't remember what my hands looked like before the swelling and inflammation. I wish I had looked at them more. More of my knuckles and in between my fingers are hurting, which is another reason why I don't believe it's just Fibro anymore. That, and Fibro patients have no swelling. It FEELS like swelling, but there is no actual swelling in their bodies. In mine, there is. I am pretty sure there is swelling in other parts of my body, not just my hands. It would make sense.
The pain in my hands is becoming more and more, as each day passes. I don't see the Rheum again until August, but I'm beginning to think I may call them to let them know what is going on with my hands. I had a fever about two nights ago. All of a sudden, I felt very warm. I took my temperature to see what it is, and it read 99.4. As I looked in the bathroom mirror, I noticed that my cheeks looked incredibly red. Bright red. I've told myself that I need to start tracking my temp, so I can see what it is. I tend to feel warm a lot of the time.
I try to usually brush it all off. I try to let people see that it doesn't bother me on the outside, when on the inside I am scared and hurting. For the last few months, I've generally accepted that it's Fibro. And then I realized my symptoms didn't match up, so I began to question it every so often. I'm questioning it a lot more these days.
I need to remind myself not to borrow trouble. But instead, work on finding solutions to help myself.
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